Bu-lol-mia

Hmmm I seem to be having a bit of a problem...it appears that my binge and vom tactic is coming back. It's so annoying because I've been so fucking good otherwise, probably eating around 300 calories a day, but it's when one of my parents takes me out for dinner that I lose all control, which has happened three times in the last 2 weeks. I think they're worried about how little I've been eating, and they can see a noticeable difference in my weight, so when they take me out and I mention that I fancy something shitty, por ejemplo chocolate, they'll literally keep encouraging me to order it till I'm eating that shit uppp. Then once I've been bad I think fuck it, might as well go all out. So I do, then I vom. And in public too! This is a new low for me..They're really fucking nice restaurants too and I'm just puking in their toilets like a spastic. Nice. 

I'm in Singapore now and my dad took me to this really nice tapas restaurant, and it started off really well, splitting grilled squid, red peppers and prawns...then BOOM! Suddenly I'm eating a few fried potatoes. Then I'm sick. Then we go to this rooftop bar and I'm eating the nuts, then we split a chocolate fondant and truffle fries (fucking amazing might I add). Then I'm sick. Then I get a hot chocolate (which I never usually fucking drink), and have a couple chocolates and a macaroon then go home. And then I'm sick. Then I have THREE GODDAMN BROWNIES, and then I vom like I've never vommed before. It was fucking disgusting. And I never even felt full once.

What's so frustrating is that I can go from eating 300 calories a day and feeling fine, even having about 150 yesterday and feeling normal, to this manic binge. Like an untamed beast, but not even a sexy untamed beast. Ah well I'm really going to try and stop now, just go back to limiting my calories. I'm staying in this fly hotel tomorrow with my mate, and we're gonna hit the gym in a big way and use the pool, getting our tan on and shit. We were then going to go to this new club that just opened because we get free entrance and get to skip the queue! But I'm scared to drink. Pretty sure that's the only time I lose control with food, tonight being a classic example of this - fucking sangria. So might have to sacrifice going out for the sake of my bod.

At least I'm losing weight (now 117.5lbs - you can look at my weight goals page), and the tan is progressing swimmingly from Dubai and Singapore. Just need to sort my life out!

Fuck yesss!

I'm so fucking happy this morning! My weight is 8st 9.25lbs (121.25lbs)! This is the lowest I've been in around 4 years, and my stomach actually looked flat and tighter. I was surprised because I wasn't particularly healthy yesterday, as I'd been drinking the night before and ending up crashing at my friends house. Then it was hard to restrict my diet at the next day because I ate what they ate, but I guess I did many to keep the calories down. So here are my food diaries for the last 2 days:


10/04/12
- Muller light yoghurt (90cal)
- 2 quorn sausages (2x70cal)
- Special K cereal bar (90cal)
- Vino and gin...ooops. But fuck it, I always seem to lose weight the next day if I've been drinking)


11/04/12
- Half a bagel with feta
- Tiny bit of hummus with baguette (about 3inch long piece)


Not toooo bad considering the other ate a fucking pizza - not fair :( I miss that shit.


And I'm going to Dubai tomorrow! Can't wait to eat something, thank ze lorrrrrd! 
Gotta go get my vaj waxed now, fun times...

You've come too far to take orders from a cookie

I'm kind of pissed off, I'm the same weight I was yesterday morning (124.25lbs), and I ate exactly the same thing as the other days, which only amounts to 300 calories. But I guess I lost a lot of weight in 2 days so I should chill my beans. On a more positive note, I can actually see the change in my body! I can see my hip bones a bit, and my ribs, and my stomachs pretty much flat, just not toned yet...I'll definitely need to start hitting the gym, fuck.


And I'm going to Dubai in 4 days! I get to go in Business Class because of an upgrade. I think I'm going to allow myself to eat and drink on the plane, because when am I going to get to go in Business Class again?! Lots of champagne for me, yes please. So I'll just not eat before or after the flight, then start some intense gymming and swimming in Dubai. So excited!


Also, I'm developing more regular sleeping patterns by eating less - I'm only sleeping around 7 hours a night compared to the 12 I could usually just whack out. But I keep having these recurring dreams of me eating loads of fatty shit; like cupcakes, sandwiches, cookies...everything really. Then I feel horribly guilty and wake up still feeling guilty. But it's such a relief when I realise it was a dream, and maybe I'm actually dispelling all of my bad habits subconsciously - I'd be down with that.


One more thing. Freshly baked cookies are one of my biggest cravings, and I know how shit they are for you. But I came across this quote yesterday which I enjoyed:


'You've come too far to take orders from a cookie'


When you say it like that, it really does seem pathetic to give in to your cravings. A craving is just a feeling or a fleeting thought that you have induced, and if you humour this thought, you keep intensifying it and intensifying it until you feel that you need to give in to the craving. But this is bullshit! Life will go on if I don't have that cookie or that slice of pizza. No one else gives a shit if I have it or not, so the only person it would be affecting and proceeding to turn into a fat shit would be me. 


Logic - it helps me.

One pound closer to shorts

Weight: 8st 12.25lbs (124.25lbs) 

So I've lost another 1.25 pounds! Get innnn. So this is what I ate yesterday (same as before):

- Muller light yoghurt (90cal)

- 2 quorn sausages (2x70cal)

- Mushroom soup (68cal)

So that's a total of around 300 calories. BOOM. Also, how hot is this bitch. Give me her legs I beg of you.

Make today a day that you are proud of

This morning I weigh 8st 13.5 pounds (125.5lbs)! Which means I lost 1.5lbs from yesterday -  fuck yessss. I'm sure most of it is water weight but some of it must be fat, so I'll take it.

I've been looking at fashion magazines for the most part of the morning, I can't wait to be able to wear shorts this summer, and crop tops. Just have to stay motivated...balls. But I read this quote on one of those 'real girl thinspiration' type websites, saying; 'Make today a day that you are proud of', and this really helped me. I think I always look too far ahead, telling myself I still have another 25 pounds to go. But this usually makes it easier to let myself eat crap occasionally, because I think one day can't make much of a difference in the long-run. So I'm going to really try and view each day individually, like each day is the first day of my diet.

Ha that was a lot of bullshit to try say one thing, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at. 

Okay I'm going to go watch Come Dine With Me or something and pretend I'm eating it...no biggie...

Back from France

I am toooo goddamn hungry right now, so thought I would write something to take my mind off it. I came back from france yesterday, and this morning my weight was 9st 1 pound (127 pounds). Obviously this isn't good in terms of weight loss, but for me it's a ha-uuuge achievement. My vices are essentially bread and cheese, (combine these and add a shitload of oil to make my biggest vice - pizza, nomnomnom), and France is essentially the land of bread and cheese. I guess what I'm saying is it could have been a lot worse.

But I've eaten so little today! So I'm happy as a clam (Clams obviously being the happiest animal). I had:

-1 muller light yoghurt (90cal)

-2 quorn sausages (2 x 70cal)

-Weight watchers tomato soup (76cal)

So that's a total of around 310 calories including black coffees. I know that's a stupid amount but I'm going to Dubai in a week so I feel it's necessary until then.

But I miss France! It was sunny and fantastic the whole time, and we partied like motherbitches in Nice. Made some French friends, you know, getting cultured and all that. But it really made me realise I like English guys too much, the French don't really do it for me.

Water, ciggy, bed! Friday night, get innnn. (I hate being broke)